What I’ve learned after my miscarriage

Before my husband went back to Canada, we found out that I was pregnant. Everyone was happy and excited but at week eight, I lost the baby. I bled and had a severe cramp. When I was in the car to the hospital I told God, “please don’t let me have a miscarriage, don’t allow it to happen. I have prayed to you and for my baby a thousand times, you can’t allow this God.”

I was in the ultrasound room, still hoping that the baby was still there but the doctor showed me the image on the monitor, the baby was not there anymore. I held back my tears until I got out of the room, I was brokenhearted. I blamed myself, that maybe I was not careful enough.

I believe in God and I believe everything happens for a reason, but in my heart, I still ask, “why did it happen? What’s in it for me in the future?” I prayed more and allowed myself to grieve and be sad. I decided to read the Bible again from Genesis, but something happened when I reached the story of Saul and David.

It is said that David is a man after God’s own heart and I thought it was only because he was a worshiper. But I realized that he is a man with a humble heart. My heart felt heavy that I literally got down on my knees. I said, “God, I was arrogant!”

One by one, there were flashbacks just like in the movies. I remembered the comments I made. I remembered the time I judged and condemned other people’s actions because I thought what they were doing was not right and sinful. I was very ashamed of myself. I was proud. I was foolish!

One person stood out as I remember those I looked down to. This person had said unpleasant things to me but I didn’t say anything bad to her. But in my heart, I looked down at her with disgust. I thought she was low and that I was better than her. How proud I was comparing myself to her.

King Saul has wronged David and even attempted to murder him numerous times. But David didn’t take revenge. When Saul died he even grieved for him. How great this man’s heart is!

I was not like David. When I’m wronged, my pride carries me away. I look through other people’s mistakes and character, I judge them and speak ill about them. But that day, God spoke to me and touched my heart. He created each one of us after his own image. All creation belongs to God and it includes people that I hate. I have no right to look down, judge, or ridicule his creations. I am but a speck of dust and God can take away all that I have. God can strip me of the things that I boast of in a snap of a finger.

I realized if had my baby, the more proud and arrogant I will be. Truly, it was a humbling experience. Now, I understand why he allowed it to happen. He is gracious to me. He wanted me to learn something!

I confessed.

I repented.

After that I felt like I was released from my prison of hatred for this person. I prayed for her, that God will bless her life and her family. It was liberating. And most importantly, I’ve learned a valuable lesson, and I know my life will never be the same.

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